Christian Guys In Love

Yesterday brought an e-mail from a Christian brother in another country saying his wife threatens to leave him.

This arrived to touch me at an opportune time because I’d just finished uploading my PDF file to the printing company; proof pages of Williams Short’s 1854 Diary should come to me for correction in a few days.

Describing the Short Diary, I had just written:

In 1854 William Short said more between the lines of his diary than he did in its pages. Back home in Illinois, he'd proposed marriage to Miss Sarah. But when he traveled to Jackson, Missouri, he was smitten by Miss Amanda. Then at a Methodist camp meeting he met Martha, "My Temptation". Suspense builds as the young minister decides which girl to marry while at the same time he feels a deep heart hunger for God. His mix of confusion about love and dedication to Christ still appeals to readers after 155 years.

Yes, when hormones flow and life aggravates and religious views regulate, tensions build. And in life, especially in marriage, nothing is harder that to get along with someone you love.

Now my e-friend from a far country wrote to inform me of the situation; he did not ask for my advise.

To me, he comes across as a very religiously minded young man; In his half-page e-mail, he cites six Scripture references. He mentions his wife’s duty to submit as being taught in Scripture. He says the devil is attacking her mind to make her think of leaving. He says it is his duty to instruct her in the five guidances of the Holy Spirit.

His letter also says, “I have informed her that without pressure we will nevertheless next week review where she apparently ignored my regular teaching of the six thought patterns for the Christian's mental health at Philippians 4:8”.

Now he wrote to inform me of the situation; he did not ask for my advise—nonetheless, I gave it:

Dear Bubba,

Sorry about the trouble you two are having. That has to hurt.

One thought: It's not polite to read someone else's mail. When the Scripture says, "Husbands..." that's addressed to me and to you.

When the Scripture says, "Wives..." Right off you and I can see those words are addressed to women only and you and I should leave that text alone! It's not addressed to us.

The only way for a couple to get along is to assume the goodwill of the other person, give the roots and give 'em wings.

And mind your own business by not reading her mail; those Scriptures are not addressed to you or me. Jesus never tells me what somebody else ought to do; only what I ought to do.

Hope this thought helps.

I am so sorry you two are in pain.

Love, John

I identify with this young couple’s problems, they’ve only been married a few years, because even after 40+ years of marriage, Ginny and I each can see the speck in the other’s eye but we each remain oblivious to the beam in …

Well, you get the idea.

Some wise Englishman, I’ve forgotten which one, (Churchill? Chesterfield?) said, “The chief end of all human endeavor is to be happy at home”.

Yet, when we are at home, we tend to “Be ourselves” which equates to dropping all the courtesies we normally extend to complete strangers.

When Jesus promoted charity and said, When ye do it unto the least of these, ye do it unto Me, I wonder if He referred to the people I hold as “least”—and that often means my wife, my children, my closest neighbors.

Oh, I don’t have to worry about them, they’re always there.

And they live close enough to me that I can see the tiny speck in their eyes; but I can’t see the beam in my own eye.

In his own eyes no man is an asshole.

I think that’s one reason the Scripture encourages individual religion, a personal encounter with God, a one-on-One relationship with the Almighty.

Yes, the Scripture does say stuff about wives—but not being a wife, those passages are none of my business. I need to concentrate on what God says about how husbands are to act because I am a husband.

Then there are also portions of Scripture addressed to both Ginny and me collectively. Here are two verses, for instance:

“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you”.

“Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye”.

Heavy stuff!

To forebear means to put up with it while it’s happening.

To forgive means to put up with it after it’s happened and move on from there.

Tenderhearted means to recognize that hearts are fragile, they can be broken. And it means that I should give Ginny as little to forbear and to forgive as possible.

But what if Ginny offends my religious scruples and does not conform to my five guidances of the Holy spirit or my six thought patterns? I have no idea what those things are, but I know that in marriage arguments among Christian couples, one or the other brings out the Big Guns by citing Scripture to show that offending ME equals offending God Himself.

I’ve seen husbands harp on how she is to submit; and I’ve seen wives browbeat that sinner they married about going to church on Sunday and relish telling all and sundry to pray for his conversion.

Yes, the couple that prays together stays together—and often make eachother miserable in doing so.

St. Peter said, “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered”.

In other words, Guys, it’s no good calling on God if we can’t dwell and get along with the wife.

To me “Giving honour” means I am to never put Ginny down—not in public. Not in private. Not even in joking. Never. The whole damn world is out there to put you down day after day and nobody needs that crap at home.

Compliment her on every possible occasion. There’s always something positive to say. Great tits, Babe. That was a fine meal you cooked. I feel safe with you. I need you to listen to me for a while. You picked a great place to come to. I love the way the light hits your hair. You make me feel good.

Hell, if she looks a mess and she knows it, you can always fall back on, “You have such beautiful eyes”.

And, screw flowers; Say it with words. You have not married a mind reader. You need to say it out loud. Every morning when we part for work, I make sure the last thing Ginny hears me say is “I love You”—because, who knows, that may well be the last thing she will ever hear me say.

OK. Nobody asked for my advice, but I’m on a roll here so one other thing:

Personal hygiene—lets face it, guys smell like goats because we are goats.

A little honest sweat from work smells like love. You’re doing right. But there are limits, and observing those limits comes under the heading of “dwell with them”.

It’s an eccentricity of mine, but since I work from a home office and Ginny goes out to work, I shave at 4 in the afternoon, shortly before she gets back home from work—Who more important do I want to look nice for?

Well, I’ve rambled on and on. Hope some of it makes sense. It’s almost 5 a.m. (I start work early) and for a guy who was not asked for advice, I’m full of it…

And you can take that either way.