Two Stones

Trying to unscramble eggs.

That describes my progress in straightening out the mistakes I made with the diary of Samuel Ward. I keep compounding the mistakes.

Consequently, I feel lower than whale shit.

Of course, slow of progress in my work is only one factor: I’ve also been reading over some of my own diary entries for the past year; Ginny and I are momentarily at odds; financial worries; a deep sense of shame and failure, etc. etc..

All that’s also depressing.

My feelings conflict with my beliefs

I feel useless and worthless, like my whole life has been a waste of time; I believe that on some level, I’m fulfilling God’s purpose in my life.

Opposite things: feelings and beliefs.

My feelings devalue me; my belief lifts me up.

I chose which one to go with.

When I feel as though I have a reverse Midas Touch (everything I touch turns to crap) I choose to say “Blessed be His name. The joy of the Lord is my strength”.

Reading back entries in my diaries I see a happy-go-lucky, light-hearted, flippant, confident person of faith; examining my feelings (what I think of as the real me) I see a bitter, sour, frustrated grouch.

This dichotomy is not a matter of hypocrisy, at least not much; but both aspects exist side by side within me at the same time and both are a pain in the ass.

I really am both men.

For years two small rocks have rested on my computer keyboard above those functions keys (which I have no idea what they do).

The rocks remind me of a story I read about a Jewish rabbi, I’ve forgotten which one, who lived in those ancient times when a slingshot was a real weapon of war.

He told his students that each man ought to carry in his pouch two stones: one engraved with the words “For my sake was the universe created”; the other, with the words “I am but dust and ashes”.

A student asked, “Rabbi, which one should a man use in his sling”?

He replied, “Use the one you need most at the moment”.