I Have Been Selected …

Tuesday afternoon the postman delivered a letter hand-addressed to me —

Not to my wife.

Not to one of my daughters.

But hand-addressed to me, John Cowart.

The letter contains my invitation and my official application form.

It says, “You have been selected to compete in the 2006 National American Miss Florida Pageant … You could be the next Miss Florida!”

Yes! My sterling qualities have finally been recognized. I’ve been chosen to compete in a beauty contest.

I may become the next Miss Florida.

This can not possibly be a scam to sucker folks out of the $20 application fee because the brochure confirms that I was selected by “an experienced panel of judges”.

They couldn’t be wrong about something as important as this.

My application says that I will need a prom dress or evening gown for the formal wear segment of the pageant.

Here’s a worry: I don’t happen to own a formal evening gown… but for the swimsuit competition I get to wear either a one-piece suit or a two-piece bikini — but I can’t wear a thong. Contest rules prohibit thongs.

Drat!

I’m so excited.

I can see myself on the runway.

I can smell my huge bouquet of roses.

I can feel the wide silk slash banner with my title.

I can hear the MC announce my vital measurements: 48!… 50!… 53! …8!

My application requires that I send a recent photograph. The brochure says that my photo may qualify me to appear on magazine covers!

Wow! Since a photo of me has already appeared on a book cover, that’s the one I think I’ll send along with my application fee.

The pageant is not until mid July.

I can hardly wait.

Er… Anybody out there got a prom dress I can borrow?

Oh, if you want to see my picture on a book cover, you can see it here at www.bluefishbooks.info

Good thing the experienced panel of judges didn’t see that photo before inviting me to appear in their beauty contest. My hair was just a mess that day.